i tink im turning into an insomniac.bcos its 2am n yet im awake. or it cld be bcos i slept like 10.5hrs last nite,plus the whole afternoon.haha.. anyway, ever had bouts of insecurity?like ur not good enough in terms of qualities that matter, and looks and materialistic things. n i wonder, who exactly are we afraid of being judged by? maybe its the people we feel infrerior to,maybe its our closest friends,maybe even by God,although we fail to realise,He loves us unconditionally. but insecurity and infreriority are horrible feelings anyway.and then u question,why? n then are plagued with wistful dreams stemming from that sole pensive wonder of,'if only'. also,i realised i share way too much abt my life with everyone.n den i find out things about them that i nvr knew,though it isnt bad or anything.its just that the person isnt being as open as i am, n den suddenly i feel kinda embarrassed,divulging all my secrets to these people i barely know. you know, i tot i had life figured out in a way.like i knew enough about what was happening, and that everyone was a clear-cut nice or evil person. BUT i realised im not a great judge of character and trust too easily.isit a bad thing?i'm not too sure yet.give me abt 20 yrs n den i'll let you know. there's so many lessons im learning.who to rely on,where to draw the line,how to stand up for what i believe in. thing is,i guess i'm just beginning to learn life's hard lessons.its gonna go on till i get old.n i realised there's alot im gona haf to face in the future. failure,heartache,loss,hurt,betrayal,guilt,helplessness. but there's also gonna be joy,success,freedom,hope,peace,satisfaction,acceptance and love. and u noe what,though the future's all scary, i know God's always gonna be there, eventhough i may do some horrible mistakes.and that in the end, everything's gonna be alright =)
1:57:00 am
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
if mj sticks to its promotion criteria,i'l surely get retained. these are my marks so far math- 26% chem- 39.5% geog- 50%
lets hope i pass bio.then maybe i'll be promoted! life wasn't supposed to turn out this way.
9:14:00 pm
Saturday, October 14, 2006
these past few days have been sucky. n yest was mj open house,was seriously bored out of my mind. so i sat n looked at around.and actually seriously thought abt mj. its so un-tkgs.n plus i realised i dun quite like many ppl in mj. tkgs was so shelthered.we actually knew wat everone else was actually thinking.we knew who to avoid,trust. n to think i loved mj initially,until a few mths ago. n den i realised i just loved the tk ppl, n other frens. not the sch,just the frens. i hope im out in a yr.n not two.=(
today someone told me i had no defined personality. cos im not mature enuf yet. den i was like but if i haf no concrete personality,den who am i? am i still findin myself? n how in the world am i exactly supposed to find myself! wat does it actualli mean! how shitty.cos i dun understand anything. and by anything,i mean anything and everything.
10:30:00 pm
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Dear God, surround me as I speak, the bridges that I walk across are weak Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear Dear God, don't let me fall apart, you've held me close to you I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand. sometimes i feel my spritual walk with God is a like a rollercoaster.it always reaches a peak n den comes spiralling down.i'm never satisfied with what He has blessed me with. like being in mj,i tink maybe i cld have done better,maybe i wld have more fun n be happier if i were in sa,or ac, or vj, blatantly ignoring the fact i prayed about this whole decision,and was kinda sure mj would be the best choice for me. i prayed for it to be His choice, but yet sometimes cant help but think maybe i would have been better off in another jc,without realising my arrogance in doubting God's decision. there always something more i'm wishing for. i see others in other jcs having the time of their lives,living out the jc life i tot i would have lived,and then start to question God. i drift away,searching for the answers,filling up that void in my life with other senseless things. i nd help i tink. n on to the topic of my faith.catholic or christian? i realli do like attending new creation church,no doubt ive gained a better understanding of God n His love,but yet im not comfortable in dat church amongst the people. i feel like an outsider,i dun feel like i truly belong.maybe its also because i dun realli wana belong.i miss the traditions of the catholic church,the familiarity of everyone,the eurasian-ness i get from it.its like an identity u noe?thats not saying not being a catholic makes u any less eurasian.but there's so many eurasians in the catholic church,that i feel so comfortable there. n YET i dun agree with all the teachings of the catholic church. n dats a personal preference.im not judging it or anything. i noe some ppl who have a closer r/ship with Christ through the Catholic faith,and i also know ppl who have the same close r/ship thru following the Christian faith. but personally,i know ive grown closer to the Lord thru going to NCC. but part of me still longs for the Catholic traditions. i'm so confused,and truth is ive been prolonging the decision of choosing which church to belong to.ppl ask,wat are u?and i say "umm,catholic?but ive been going to a Christian chuch the past 2 yrs" and then smile.hahah..n i dun tink im any closer to choosing since last yr.
They say that I can move the mountains And send them falling to the sea They say that I can walk on water If I would follow and believe with faith like a child i wished i had that type of faith.
12:28:00 pm
Saturday, October 07, 2006
yay ive finally changed the layout. also cos jane said she was dying of boredom fr the old one.
5:23:00 pm
promos are over.pheww. but still. it sucked. bio was unbeliveable. i dun tink im cut out to be a vet. thats like 3 yrs of ambition gone. just like that. by a stupid bio paper. shit la. on the plus side,i am free to do nothing but SLEEP this week! oh,heavenly. oh n i realised i dun quite like mj, due to a combination of factors. anyway if mj sticks to its crappy promotion criteria. the j2 cohort is gonna be half the size it is now. and im not exaggerating. this has gotta be the scariest exams ive ever done. though what scares me more is the fact that things are so uncertain. and i cant do anything rite now to change anything.
12:11:00 am
riane*
*riane brittany francisco *born on the 1st of july 1989 *eurasian *i believe in Christ *ex-tkgian *4e7'05 *ex-SAJCian of 06S18 *MJC now! 06S302
*loves
~God! ~mr.princess ~dots ~salt ~mr.snowy who has gone home to be with the Lord ~glitter ~pedicures,manicures! ~beautiful beaches ~animals ~friends ~daydreams ~fun
Soul Music*
at the moment the song i'm in love with:
Gwen Stefani- the Sweet Escape
Jimmy Eat World- The Middle
ya i noe this one's old,but its the one keeping me going at the moment =)
you're currently listening to
and i'm lusting after
*that pretty white camera
*a new phone that sony ericsson cyber-shot one
*a room makeover
*a whole new glam wardrobe.
